I've been struggling lately.
The thing I struggle with more than anything is looking back. Like Lot's wife in Genesis being promised a new land and being show the mercy of God that would save her life and she couldn't keep her eyes forward. I tend to hold on to the past and what I wanted or what could have been instead of looking at what is and what will be. I look into the past and sometimes that self destructive person I used to be looks enticing. I have no idea why, because that person was miserable. That person hid behind a mask of a faith that looked strong, sounded deep but was really shallow at best. When I look back I see someone who knew very little about herself and let others and the love she craved more than anything define her every move. That girl was past. "I am a new creation," my Creator tells me, "the old is gone and the new has come."
I have found a major correlation in my struggling and my time in the Word. If I am not consistently spending time with God, I am a mess. I lack self control in almost every area of my life. For me that looks like eating things I shouldn't, or letting my mind wander. It creates an insecurity in me because when I am not in the Word and I am not spending time with Christ, I am finding my identity in myself and not in Him. I am trying to wander through life with a blindfold on hoping that if I keep my hands out in front of me that I will make it through the maze and come out unharmed. Christ is calling me to hold on to Him. He wants me to trust that even though I can only see a couple of steps a head of me, He is my guide and He is the Master Creator, the Beginning and the End.
Dear Lord, help me to know that I am loved even when I don't feel that I am. Remind me that Your ways are so much higher than mine. Teach me to have faith that can't be shaken. Help me to cling to you and stop looking back.
